Earlier this week, I read a Reddit post about a woman whom I'll call Jessica for simplicity's sake.
Jessica got a gas station gift card for her birthday at 11:47 PM via text.
And she defended it like it was a surprise trip to Paris or Santorini.
“He’s just not a planner.”
“Besides, he shows love differently.”
“And at least he remembered my birthday this year”
But here’s where it gets interesting...
The OP (Original Poster) who shared this said Jessica used to be the loudest one online dragging women for accepting scraps among all her friends.
She used to say things like:
“Effort is the bare minimum.”
“A man who wants you will show you.”
“I can never settle for less than I deserve”
But now here she was sending full paragraphs to her group chat, trying to justify why “bare minimum” was actually thoughtful.
I honestly wish Jessica's case were rare, but sadly, it's not.
I’ve seen people go from:
“I want real effort, deep love, consistency”
To:
“He’s just not expressive,”
“She’s not affectionate,”
“This is just how they are.”
But what the Jessicas of the world don’t realise is that every one of those excuses does something dangerous to them.
The excuses they make rewires their brain and trains their nervous system to accept less.
Every time they lower the bar just to keep who they think is their true love teaches them that the dysfunction they're experiencing:
Is normal.
Is what real love looks like.
Is what they deserve.
Now back to Jessica's story…..
According to the OP, they eventually broke up, but sadly, her patterns didn’t end with him.
Her next boyfriend didn’t plan dates either.
And the one after that made her feel like an option, too.
Different faces, same ol’ feeling.
Because at that point, her body craved it.
She had unknowingly trained herself to crave the low effort and dysfunction she once said she’d never tolerate.
Not because she wanted it, but because it felt familiar.
This is what I call Standards Creep.
It moves so slowly that you don’t even notice it till you're neck deep.
The creep will make you:
Think you’re adjusting,
Think you're being understanding
Flexible
Demure
And very mature.
But what you’re really doing is slowly creating a pattern design to consistently break your heart.
Here's how the standard creep starts:
First, you want daily calls.
Then you become okay with just a text once a day.
Then you become grateful they didn’t forget you exist.
First, you want frequent weekend plans and hangouts with your lover.
Then “maybe if they’re free” becomes the norm and enough for you.
Then you start waiting on their last-minute crumbs.
First, you want to feel chosen in your relationship
Then you'll settle for getting picked sometimes.
And with enough time, you'll start calling this love and craving it.
But it's not!
And deep down, you know it's true because that tight feeling you get in your chest when you explain their behaviour to your friends is your gut trying to wake you up.
The concerned look your friends give you when you defend them is reality trying to break through your denial.
And the voice that whispers “you deserve more than this” at 2 AM is your standards trying to remind you they still exist.
But you keep silencing that voice.
Keep making excuses for them.
And keep moving the goalposts because you’re scared that if you hold the line, you’ll end up alone and lonely.
But the uncomfortable truth is that you’re already alone and lonely.
You’re just calling it "a relationship."
Because when someone treats you like an option,
When they make you beg for basic respect,
And when they leave you starving for the bare minimum and tell you it's love,
It's not.
You’re just in survival mode, and they know it.
They know your fear of being alone is stronger than your standards, and so they use it against you.
Because they want to enjoy all the benefits, while leaving you to do all the work.
But the right person won’t make you choose between being respected and being loved.
They won’t make you feel guilty for having needs.
And they won’t make you explain why effort matters.
They’ll meet your standards easily because those standards match who they already are.
But you’ll never meet that person as long as you keep accepting people who wouldn’t even pass your first filter.
Every time you lower your bar, you eliminate your chance of meeting someone who would clear it naturally.
And every excuse you make for the wrong person steals time from the right one.
Again, back to Jessica's story…..
According to the OP, she’s 32 now and currently with someone who gives excuses instead of showing her the love she so desperately craves.
She’s still calling his inconsistency “complications”
And she's still hoping her case this time will be different.
She has trained herself to settle; now, settling is all she knows how to do.
But this doesn’t have to be you.
If you’re done calling emotional neglect “romance,”
If you’re tired of stretching your standards to keep people who wouldn’t lift a finger for you,
And if you’re ready to stop losing yourself just to hold on to someone who’s not worth it,
It’s time to change what you say yes to and keep your standards locked in place.
That’s exactly what The Compatibility Filter does.
It’s the system that helps you spot the wrong ones early, so you stop wasting your time, energy, and self-respect on dead-end people and start choosing better with peace, confidence, and a plan.
And remember…..
Your standards aren’t too high.
Your tolerance for bullshit is too low
So hold your fucking line and let the compatibility filter help you stand strong.
See you next Sunday.