The Not So Subtle Art of Navigating Bedroom Differences

I made a colossal mistake guys, and I’m sorry. I thought I had already scheduled this newsletter to be sent last week Sunday (17th September 2023), after creating it. Turns out I didn’t 🤦🏾‍♂️. I don’t know what went wrong or how I missed something that important. I was almost tempted to release the newsletter on a weekday, but you guys are already used to my Sunday releases. Anyway, here’s this week’s newsletter that was meant to be released last week…enjoy.

As per my last e-mail—yes! This is me being passive-aggressive to the people who refused to open my e-mail two weeks prior 😌.
This month’s pain point is….

✨Sexual Incompatibility✨. Although I know some of you may have guessed correctly from the title.

Anyhoo…After a deep dive into the dark side of Reddit, while simultaneously having Tom Odell in the background, I began pondering on the issue as quite a disturbing amount of people had it. I almost shed a tear reading the posts. I was

But I didn’t.

Sexual incompatibility occurs when two people in a committed romantic relationship, often in marriage, have different sexual preferences, desires, and needs, especially in terms of what they want to do and receive during sex. This difference in sexual desires and fantasies can lead to conflicts and a sense of disconnection, ultimately harming the intimacy and closeness of their relationship.

Using the “root cause” method I spoke about two weeks ago, I found out that sexual incompatibility has 4 major factors that contribute to which are;

This week’s bone of contention is the first one. Let’s break it down, shall we?

Using the “root cause” technique A.K.A “why the fuck is this happening technique”, here’s what I found out after asking myself the following questions and answering them.

Question: Why do couples have different sexual desires?
Answer: Because each person has their unique sexual preferences and needs

Question: Why do people have their unique sexual preferences and needs?
Answer: Because as individuals we are influenced by biology (i.e. our sex which makes us either male or female, and the hormones produced as a result of our sex), psychology (i.e. our perception of sexual intercourse and sexual acts as a result of either positive or negative past experiences, varying degrees of mental health, personal history like family, our personality traits e.t.c.), and our environment A.K.A society (i.e culture and societal norms).

Question: Why does biology matter and how does it influence one’s sexual desire?
Answer: Biological factors are the basis of our sexual desires. For instance, hormones affect our sex drive and how often we desire sex. Our biological sex (gender) shapes how we engage in sexual activities. And our physical health influences our capabilities during sex.

Question: Why does psychology matter and how does it influence one’s sexual desires?
Answer: Past experiences, self-esteem, mental health, personal history and personality traits influence how someone experiences and expresses their desires. A quick segue on the issue of personality traits affecting sexual desires;
Extroverted individuals might be more open and adventurous in their sexual desires, enjoying novelty and exploration.
Introverted individuals may have more reserved or private sexual preferences and may value emotional intimacy.
Openness to experience can lead to a greater willingness to explore new sexual experiences and ideas.
Conscientiousness might lead to a structured and organized approach to sexual activities.
Emotional stability (A.K.A. low neuroticism) can contribute to a more relaxed and confident approach to sex.

Question: Why does our environment matter and how does it influence one’s sexual desire?
Answer: Our environment is made up of different influences like our parents, cultural norms, religious beliefs, media and entertainment at our disposal our peer group and our friends. The exposure via personal experience to these components actively and subconsciously influences and shapes what a person may or may not desire sexually. Couples always have different sources of influence because they are two very different people.

Safe to say from the answers I came up with, the factors that affect and influence sexual desires in people are; biological, psychological, and sociocultural factors. These factors combine uniquely in each person to create their specific preferences and needs.

So the next question is…what do you do with this information to help align your sexual desires with your partner?

Here's how you can use the information provided to work on aligning your sexual desires with your romantic partner as the first step to improving your sexual compatibility;

Self-Reflection
Take some time for self-reflection to better understand your sexual desires. Consider how your biology, personality traits, past experiences, and societal influences have shaped your desires. Reflect on what you find most satisfying and enjoyable in your sexual experiences.

Have open and honest Communication with your partner:
Discuss your desires openly by creating a safe and non-judgmental space for both of you to express your sexual desires, fantasies, and concerns. Also, share experiences by talking about your past sexual experience—if you have had any— and what has worked or hasn't worked for each of you in the past.

Understand your factors
By “factros” here is what I mean; Learn about each other's physical biology by slowly and patiently exploring each other’s bodies. Learn about biological factors such as hormones and physical health and how they affect sex drive and sexual functioning. This way you know what to strive for and what to avoid. Also, explore each other’s psychological aspects. Discuss how your personality traits, past experiences, and emotional well-being have influenced your desires and comfort levels.

Show respect and empathy for your partner
Be empathetic. show understanding and empathy toward each other's unique desires and needs. Remember that differences are normal. Also, respect each other's boundaries and limitations, and never pressure your partner into doing something they're uncomfortable with.

Prioritize Emotional Intimacy
Remember that emotional intimacy and connection are often closely tied to sexual satisfaction. Work on strengthening your emotional bond with each other, as it can positively impact your sexual relationship.

Be Patient and Understanding
Improving sexual compatibility may take time and effort. Be patient with yourselves and each other as you navigate this journey together. Avoid placing unrealistic expectations on your sexual relationship. Focus on progress rather than perfection.

Seek Professional Help
Consider therapy If you’re having great difficulty in aligning your sexual desires by yourselves. Consider seeking the guidance of a qualified sex therapist. They can provide expert advice and strategies tailored to your specific situation.