Financial Infidelity

Dinero, argent, geld, okane, qián or whatever name it is called in the 7,000 spoken languages in the world today. Money will always invoke in us a mix of emotions be it positive or negative as it pertains to each individual.

So you can dread it, run from it, hate it or love it, not only will the word affect you all the same, but you’ll also need it all through your life on this floating rock in space we all call Earth.

It’s bad enough this word alone has such a powerful effect on us, but when paired with the word “secrets”?

That’s a potent and dangerous combination if you ask me.

And yet knowing this, some couples who say they love, cherish and trust each other tend to keep financial secrets from their romantic partners.

Well…that’s what we’d be talking about today.

I remember a story that went viral almost 9 years ago (if I’m not mistaken). It was about a man who was married with kids and was earning a decent 6-figure salary in my country. They had a decent house which he and his family had been living in for over 5 years.

Choosing the house to live in was his wife’s idea as it was closer to their kids’ school, their grandparents’ houses and other family fun locations and activities.

One day for work, his wife used his phone to use her email for work and other things as there was a problem with her phone at that time. The problem was, that she forgot to log out of her email on her husband’s phone.

All hell broke loose one Saturday morning when the husband got an email notification on his phone. Curious to see who it was from, he opened it and to his surprise, it was for his wife. Imagine his surprise when he saw an emailed receipt for the rent money for their house. Yes! the house they were living in with their kids.

So, turns out, his wife was the landlord—or in her case, landlady—of their house and for over 5 years he has been paying rent to her without his knowledge. Of course, he confronted his wife and she tried to deny it at first, but after much “pressing” from him she admitted it.

She not only owned the house they lived in but also had 5 more houses in their neighbourhood.

Surprise twist: the neighbour across the street was renting from her too! They had no clue, as she had everything about her properties done using a property management company.

While this man was slaving away in a 9-5 he hates, his better half was straight up playing Monopoly and about to trade her 4 houses for 1 hotel.

I do not know what became of the man or his marriage as the story did not share any of those details but I can take a calculated guess and assume the man would have been hurt, confused, and questioned his self-worth.

Of course, that viral story became the slippery slope that made other spouses start digging deep into whatever financial secrets they thought their romantic partners were hiding from them.

Some folks discovered their partners had hidden wealth from assets and extra income, like dividends. On the flip side, some learned their partners were in serious debt because of reckless spending. Others didn't find any surprises.

So the question is…why do couples have financial secrets?
Answer: Because one partner is concealing certain financial information.

Why is one partner hiding financial information?
Answer: Because they fear judgment or conflict from their partner.

Why do they fear judgment or conflict from their partner?
Answer: Because there has been a past instance(s) where financial discussions led to arguments or disagreements.

Why did financial discussions lead to arguments or disagreements?
Answer: Because the couple has different approaches to managing money, and there's a lack of understanding or agreement on financial priorities.

Why is there a lack of understanding or agreement on financial priorities?
Answer: Because the couple has not had open and honest conversations about their individual financial values, goals, and expectations.

Financial secrets have dire consequences that range from;
- A breakdown of trust between the couple
- A heavy strain on emotional intimacy
- Conflict that allows resentment to fester in the hurt party
Stress
- Anxiety
- It undermines the ability of the couple to make joint and sound financial decisions as a result of one party lacking adequate knowledge of the true nature of their finances
- And much much more…

Quick Notice: The strategies I’m about to lay out here are best deployed if you’re married. If you’re still in a romantic relationship, It’s best if you keep financial secrets especially if you’re wealthy. But only at the beginning stage of the relationship to make sure your partner loves you for you and not your possessions. The last thing you want is a gold digger in your life.

If things are getting serious and you’re actually on the route to getting married, then by all means share it with them. Secrets have no place in a marriage as a husband and wife are meant to be one body.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, here’s what I recommend you do to avoid financial secrets and foster financial transparency;

Schedule Regular Money Talks
Why: Creating a re-occurring time slot to discuss finances with your partner openly, ensures both of you are on the same page.
How: Choose a convenient time, like a weekly or monthly money check-in, to discuss budgets, goals, and any financial concerns.

Share Financial Goals
Why: Being in alignment as a couple regarding your financial goals creates a shared vision for your future.
How: Discuss short-term and long-term financial goals. Identify common objectives, such as saving for a vacation or a down payment on a house.

Create a Joint Budget
Why: A budget provides clarity on income, expenses, and shared financial responsibilities between you and your romantic partner.
How: Create a budget together that shows how much you can spend, what you want to save and any investments you're planning. Keep an eye on it, and only make changes when necessary, not just because you feel like it.

Have Full Financial Disclosure On Your Finances
Why: Transparency builds trust. Share details about income, debts, investments, and any financial commitments you both have.
How: Openly discuss all financial aspects of your individual lives and ensure you are both aware of the complete financial picture in your joint lives.

Agree on Spending Limits
Why: Setting spending limits helps prevent surprises and fosters responsible financial behaviour between the both of you.
How: Agree on how much each of you can spend separately, and talk about any big purchases before making them

Emergency Fund Commitment
Why: An emergency fund provides financial security during unexpected situations.
How: Decide on a joint emergency fund goal and contribute regularly to build a financial safety net.

Discuss Financial Decisions Together
Why: Joint decision-making ensures you and your partner have a say in all significant and sometimes insignificant financial choices.
How: Before making financial decisions, consult each other and weigh the pros and cons together.

Be Honest About Financial Mistakes
Why: Admitting mistakes creates a culture of honesty and understanding.
How: If a financial mistake occurs, discuss it openly, and work together to find a solution without judgment.

Seek Professional Guidance
Why: Getting advice from professionals because they know their stuff. They can help you and your partner have useful money talks and create useful financial plans or budgets based on your total joint income as a couple.
How: Consider consulting a financial advisor or counsellor for guidance on financial planning and decision-making.

Celebrate Financial Milestones
Why: Celebrating achievements fosters a positive attitude towards financial discussions.
How: Acknowledge and celebrate financial milestones, whether it's paying off a debt or reaching a savings goal.

Was this forwarded to you? Sign up here

Need long-form relationship and marriage advice that's both insightful and amusing? Check out my medium articles

Need relationship coaching or a listening ear to venting needs? Book a 1-on-1 session with me

Are you looking to make smarter decisions in your relationships and marriage? Invest in your personal growth and knowledge to set yourself up for long-term success.

Join the global mission to nurture lasting happiness through healthy romantic relationships and marriages. Your support makes a world of difference.