Don't Fuck Up Your Marriage!

This week’s newsletter was inspired by a discussion that somehow morphed into a debate between my friend, her friends and me concerning this issue.

A friend of mine who for the sake of privacy, I’d call Mary was at an impasse as to whether to take up the offer her boyfriend gave her and finally move in with him.

P.S.; She thinks he is “the one” 🙄 🤦🏾‍♂️

I know this because I bumped into her a while ago at the cinemas on my way to watch the new Blue Beetle movie that just recently came out as she and her friends were having that discussion.

P.P.S.; The movie and the cinema experience were amazing, and I wholeheartedly recommend it! Don't pay too much attention to the self-absorbed online "movie critics." They should step outside and enjoy the real world.

Where was I…Oh yes!!

So, we met at the movies and I was reluctant at first to go see her and say “hi”.

I did not want to stop and chat with anyone because I wanted to finalize the ice-cream eating ritual quickly I always undertake before watching any movie. My time was running out before the start of the movie and the last thing I wanted to do was waste precious minutes I could have used to fill my belly with my favourite strawberry, sprinkled covered delicious treat.

But I could not go ahead with my ritual because I saw her. Not only did I see her, I saw her see me see her. And since she has accused me of being an “asshole” in the past and somewhat “proud” I decided to bite the bullet and get it over with.

Imagine my surprise when I get roped into her dilemma. Anyway, because she knows I have a history of sound judgment

and telling her the truth irrespective of her feelings, she asked for my opinion in front of her friends on the issue.

And my exact reply was; “fuck no! Do not do that! Why the fuck would you want to do that? doing this is self-sabotage if you do end up marrying this nigga”

Now, was that a tad dramatic? maybe, but I meant every word that came out of my mouth that day.

You can guess the reaction and the look on their faces after what just came out of my mouth, came out of my mouth.

So I told her and her friends the same things I’m about to tell you right now concerning this issue.

People who live together and then get married have been proven to be more likely to get divorced. There is plenty of factual evidence that cohabitation is a bad idea. Men and women are not cars to be test-driven.

Couples who live together before marriage have a 50% greater chance of divorce than those who don’t. And about 60% of couples who cohabit break up without marrying.

Living together before marriage is different from living together in marriage because there's no firm commitment to support the relationship. Cohabitation can hinder the development of lasting friendships and lead to a focus on physical intimacy (sexual intercourse) over meaningful conversation and other ways to strengthen the bond between partners.

If you want to improve your chances of a successful and lasting marriage by learning what you need to know about your partner and how to act in a marriage, living together with your romantic partner may not be the best approach.

Happy men living with their romantic partners sometimes say, “We don't need a piece of paper to show our commitment to each other.” This might sound deep, but it's pretty silly when you think about it because they're saying that marriage is just a piece of paper, which is a ridiculous idea!

Because there is no marriage ceremony in the world where individuals involved do not make the vow to stay committed to each other in front of a deity A.K.A, a supernatural being they worship that is holy to them, in front of the state ( and all its binding laws that govern the union of marriage) and their community (which includes the families of both individuals and all their friends and loved ones).

PEOPLE WHO THINK THIS IS NOTHING ARE PEOPLE WHO DO NOT UNDERSTAND NOR APPRECIATE THE GRAVITY OF THE TYPE OF COMMITMENT MARRIAGE IS AND SHOULD BE AVOIDED AS LONG-TERM ROMANTIC PARTNERS.

Also, most women who generally cohabit with men are never happy about the fact that the relationship has not moved towards marriage A.K.A. the security they desire. One reason for this is that women tend to suffer more emotionally as a consequence of sexual activity outside a committed relationship. And sex is riskier for women than men.

As individuals, we need to make the vow to commit to each other in marriage in front of so many witnesses because it is meant to help keep us accountable and committed to the union.

Imagine getting married and telling all your friends and family members who attended your wedding that you want to divorce the person you married 30 days ago. That would not sit well with them nor you would it? But it’s very doable when the person is just a boyfriend, girlfriend or fianceè.

Plus, life is very difficult, like really, really fucking difficult!!!

And you will inevitably go through rough shit with your partner no matter how much you love them because that’s just the card we are dealt with as humans living on this floating sphere in open space we call Earth.

Also, the fact you’re both different beings physically, emotionally, biologically and mentally with very different life experiences and opinions compounds the problem. This means even when things are going well, you won’t always see and interpret things the same way, talkless of when shit hits the fan.

And on days the proverbial shit does hit the fan with all the complexities it comes with, there is a good chance you will get tempted to pull apart and end things.

How do I know this you ask? by sheer observation and studying statistical data that goes back decades.

ALL THAT LIFE CAN THROW AT YOU WILL BE THROWN AT YOU IN THE COURSE OF YOUR MARRIAGE THEREFORE, YOU ARE GOING TO NEED SOMETHING STRONGER THAN “LOVE” AND “FEELINGS” TO KEEP YOU GOING WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH.

In marriage, you can't simply walk away when things get tough; you're committed to working through challenges together as a team. In a marriage, you're as bound to your spouse as you are to yourself. The marriage vows and commitment ensure that you treat your spouse with the same kindness as you would yourself. This accountability encourages you to face issues together.

However, the easy option of walking away is always there in cohabitation.

And if you’re still reading this and thinking the “love” you currently feel for your romantic partner is more than enough to keep you committed and accountable to them when shit hits the fan, ask yourself just how well you have stayed committed and accountable to yourself to do the things you know you ought to do and need to do.

Is the love you feel for yourself enough to rely on yourself not to eat junk food, watch porn and do all the other dumb and life-altering shit you tend to catch yourself doing?

Do you love yourself enough to wake up by 5 a.m. 5 days a week to go for an early jog, or hit the gym before work because you love yourself and your overall physical health? Or should I keep minding my business?

Another problem with living together (cohabitation) is that it can make you and your partner feel like you're settling for each other. You might think you're the best option available for now and don't want to take on extra responsibilities. It's like you're keeping your options open in case something better comes along. In the meantime, you're just making do with the arrangement, secretly or openly looking for potential replacements.

Yet another reason cohabitation is bad is that it creates uncertainty in your commitment to each other, and this uncertainty extends to your plans for having children. This lack of commitment to having kids, unless both of you are fully on board, is a big problem. It shows that you're not sure about your path. This uncertainty can lead to anxiety, affecting your love for each other and diminishing your sense of hope. Hope thrives when you're working toward a clear goal. In cohabitation, the major goal, like whether or not you'll have kids, remains uncertain, which can lead to unhappiness because you lack a clear sense of hope.

Lastly, let's talk about faith in marriage. When you decide to get married, it's like taking a leap of faith. Some people think faith means ditching reason for something absurd, but that's not quite right. Faith is what allows us to embrace the uncertainty.

See, when you're getting married, you're heading into a future full of unknowns. The future is called "unknown" for a reason. You can't step into it if you already know everything. Faith is what gives you the courage to move forward into that unknown, with trust that it'll work out. It's not blind belief; it's the fuel that powers your journey into a future filled with possibilities.

This is why living together with someone you are not married to is dangerous because it creates the false belief that it's a trial run for marriage. But the reality is quite different.

Do not live together with someone you are not married to if you both intend to get married down the line. Can you flout this advice and go ahead and co-habit without experiencing any negative consequences? maybe, but the chances you’re part of the exception are the same chances you have with people who do not fly out of the windscreen in a heavy car crash while not wearing a seatbelt. Statistics are statistics for a reason.

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