4 Sure-Fire Ways To Ruin Your Year

We are seven days into the new year. By now, all the hype of “new year new me” and “new year resolutions and goals” have probably died down.

Throughout this week I’ve seen and read numerous X posts—formerly known as tweets—YouTube videos from my favourite YouTubers and newsletter articles on how to make this year your best year yet.

I almost bought into the hype and thought about writing my version of “this is how you can get your shit together this year”.

Almost…

But then I thought to myself,

What if?

What if I did not want to improve my life this year? what If I wanted to fuck my life up so bad, I 100% make sure it’s my worst year ever?

So that’s what I decided to write about.

Happy New Year Lawyers, we are going to have so much fun together this year!

Before concluding I’m a schadenfreude, sadist, masochist or whatever weird buzzword you can think of at the spur of the moment that insinuates that I’m a horrible person here’s my reason for doing this.

If you know how you’re going to die, and you know what’s going to kill you, all you have to do is not go where you’re going to die and not do what is going to kill you.

I know, I know,

Besides, all I do, I do for your benefit.

So, here are four ways to ruin your year.

I. MARRY THE WRONG PERSON THIS YEAR
When you marry the wrong person, the devil takes a break. He knows that whatever he throws your way can't compare to the hell of being married to the wrong spouse.

Usually, I would tell you to take the time to vet who you’d want to marry and separate the feelings of love from the facts of love (the person's actions and observable patterns in their life). But, as I said, today is not the day for the excellent relationship, marriage or life counsel you’ve grown to know and love me for.

So marry at first sight. Elope with someone you’ve known for just a week. Marry someone because of the potential you see in them and pay no attention whatsoever to the patterns in their lives. Marry for chemistry and looks and not character. Get intimate with the person — yes, I am talking about sexual intercourse here — as quickly as possible and bring kids into the world with them as fast as possible. You’re good as long as it all feels good to you. After all, You Only Live Once.

II. CHOOSE HORRIBLE PEOPLE AS YOUR FRIENDS THIS YEAR
You know the saying; show me your friends and I’ll show you your future

Yeah…fuck that! I mean what are friends for if not to aid you on the downward path to destruction?

Hang out with good-for-nothing people with no definite positive plans or purpose for their lives this year. Party every day like it’s your last. “Hoe about” with these people and hook up with strangers in the club and at random house parties. It’s 2024, baby!!!

And if you want to shoot for the stars using this method, choose notorious gang members as friends. Join them! Rob, steal, “do” crack cocaine together and have fights with rival gang members.

Fuck the police! Fuck the law! Fuck the rest of the year and beyond. You’re living in the present baby!

III. DEVELOP/FORM TERRIBLE HABITS
Of all the ways to ruin one's year, this is my favourite. This is the crème de la crème that guarantees a horrible 2024.

This method ensures you enjoy constant dopamine hits to your brain which fucks up your pre-frontal cortex (PFC) over time. So, drink all the alcohol and smoke all the weed and cigarettes you can get your hands on, never exercise, eat all the junk food you can get your hands on, do not read any book and spend at least 10 hours a day on social media.

And if you can do all of these things while masturbating to animal porn?

IV. HAVE THE VICTIM MENTALITY THROUGHOUT THE YEAR
Control over your life? Accountability for your actions?

What are those? That is so mid-2005 era.

Everyone knows being a victim nowadays is “the shit!”

It is always someone else’s fault for where you are in your life. Everyone knows that It is never your fault because you have no control over your daily actions and decisions.

How dare they offend you by thinking you do?

Be a victim of EVERYTHING! And if you mix this way to ruin your life with an entitlement mentality?

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